Sunday, February 17, 2008

When the East is in the house oh my God, DANGER!!!

What is 27, 9,8,2 and 2? You would be correct if you answered that it is the IQ's of the Ohio St. basketball teams starting line up. But you would also be correct if you said it was the number of points, assissts, rebounds, steals and blocks that LeBron James had in the NBA All Star game. That my friend is what you call a stat line. L-Bron guided the Eastern Conferance All Stars past the West 132-128, and garnered his second MVP award.
I spoke with LeBron after the game and asked him if winning this game was easy, and his response was, "It was like taking candy from a baby after I punched it's face in." Mr. James then immediately punched a babies face in and took candy from it just to prove his point, afterwards Gene Snitsky punted the baby into the crowd.
I then asked LeBron if this proves that the Eastern Conferance is actually superior to the Western Conferance, and the critics have been wrong and he replied, "Da East, we got sum playaz wit mad game, but itz da fact dat we gotz 2 many white kidz in da East, and nun of dem make da all starz team, just da str8 ballaz, when we get back to playin' reglar ball, we gotta play wit da white kidz again. Da west got white kidz 2, but they 4n kidz, like Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki, dey not real white kidz, like we gotz, but yeah, we better."
After I regrouped asked LeBron one last question. What did you think about Dwight Howards dunk contest performance. "HE SUPERMANNED THAT BALL, YEWWWWWWWWWWWW"
Amazing.
Commissioner Jonathan Meowington fined LeBron James for slanderous remarks towards Superman, then unfined him for accurate remarks towards white kids.

Friday, February 15, 2008

R.I.P Zach

Zack Morris is dead. Zack dared to do what most would never even think of attempting. Zach Morris in a gesture of friendship offered one of his pattented friends forever, friendship bracelets to WCW superstar Meng. But young Morris forgot that "MENG IS FRIEND TO NO MAN!"
Upon hearing about the tragedy I quickly got on a plane and flew to California to meet with some of Zack's dearest friends and get their take on the situation.
I sat with A.C. Slater, friend and also rival of Zack. "Preppy always did do stupid things, but I never thought he'd do something this dumb. But hey, I can have Kelly all to myself now!" Slater proclaimed. Then he broke into a dance number, played the drums and flexed his muscles, all while talking about beating Valley.
I then met briefly with Jessie Spano, class president and good friend of Zack. "He was so young. He had such a bright future, even though he was a womanizing pig." I then showed Jessie my penis and she said, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so....scared!"
Lisa Tutrle as expected was fashionably late and only had time to say this to me, "At least he was dressed nice when his larynx was crushed."
Best friend Screech Powers was the most emotional of the gang. "Zack was my best friend, I'd do anything for him. I haven't been this sad since my ant farm caught on fire when my robot Kevin expolded. BOO HOO HOO"
And finally I met with Kelly Kapowski, on again off again love interest of Zack. "Zack was the greatest guy I ever knew. I wish he would have nailed me before he died. It's ok, though Slater is way hotter anyway, and probably has a bigger dong. I'm going to the beach!"
Zack was buried today underneath his favorite hang out THE MAX. The #1 combo was re-named the Zack Attack combo. R.I.P. Zack Morris.
If there is a lesson to be learned here it is not to fuck with Meng...he is truly friend to no man.