mittens for davekwon

BLUNDER BY BOSTON!

2010-06-18T05:45:00.000-07:00

I'm fine when a team does everything in their power to win, but still falls short. It happens. The Boston Celtics, though, did everything in their power to lose. The winning piece to the puzzle was out there waiting to be called upon, but the phone never rang. With each passing game I thought to myself maybe they're just drawing it out for suspense and springing the secret weapon in game 7. A little risky but worth it. Game 7 came and went along with the chance at another NBA championship for the Boston Celtics. What, or better yet, who, was the secret weapon never revealed. The "Kobe Stopper" Ruben Patterson. A simple call to Ru Patt would have solved all the Kobe woes for the "mean green", but foolish team management cost them. They could have replaced any Celtic player with the "Kobe Stopper". Garnett, see ya. Allen, peace. Paul Pierce, you're outta here. But instead they opt to throw their season out the window. Quite sad when you think about it. Despite being played in Los Angeles "Kobe Stopper" chants echoed throughout the Staples Center. But the chants were all for not, as the mighty Patterson never arrived. Some say his price was too high, but there should be no price on winning an NBA title, especially over your arch rivals. Patterson only required $48 million per quarter, and had he played the 4th quarter of game 7 they would be drinking victory champaigne and not King Cobra. So to Boston, all I can say is YOU FAIL!

19 days to Halloween Movie Marathon

2009-10-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

Halloween Movie Marathon 12 is a mere 19 days away. In an attempt to make this years the best ever I got in touch with the star of Halloweens 1,2,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10, Michael Myers. I met with Mr.Myers at his home in Haddonfield, Illinois. I was a bit nervous as I approached the doorstep of the Myers house, Mr.Myers is a touch unpredictable and I know his past encounters with people haven't always ended favorably, but risking it for the betterment of HMM was a worthwhile cause. I knocked slowly and in classic Myers fashion he smashed through the door with his fist (I was later sent a bill for the broken door). Myers motioned with his hand for me to come in and I did as he wished, slowly squeezing through the hole in the door. He pointed at a chair in his living room and I understood this to mean that I was supposed to sit in it. I was wrong. He immediately stabbed me in the leg (I was later sent a cleaning bill for the blood soaked chair). He was really pointing at a picture of Andrew "Funky D" Patton. I asked why he had a picture of Funky D. He then stabbed the picture. He then wrote in blood with the end of his knife on the wall "He put on my mask and his head stretched it out beyond repair." I apologized and gave him the Funky ones address so that he could be billed for the mask. I then got to the point of my visit and asked the horror legend "Will you be attending HMM 12?" He looked at me and slowly cocked his head to the left. I repeated my question and he cocked his head to the right. Nervously I asked him one more time. Myers then shook his head yes. I breathed a sigh of relief, and then Myers stabbed me in the other leg and shook his head no. Nicely enough Myers supplied me with a wheel chair, but charged me with a rental fee of $91.00 an hour. So my trip ended up costing me $6,041.13 and Myers will not be at HMM12. On the positive side he autographed the knife he used to stab me, and supplied Kat Dennings as my nurse for my hurt legs. Despite being stabbed it was a worthwhile trip. I met Michael Myers, survived his stabbings and was fixed by the sexual healing of one Kat Dennings. All in all life is good and HMM is only 19 days away even if Myers will not be there in person. Funky D should be worried though, Myers is PISSED NOW!

JENNA LIVES!!!

2009-05-22T07:53:00.001-07:00

On April 1st, for about two minutes Jenna Fischer was dead. Early Tuesday morning Jenna was in a fatal car crash. I called Andy early Tuesday afternoon with the sombering news. He didn't answer so I had to leave this disheartening message "Andy I don't know if you heard, but Jenna Fischer died in a car accident this morning. I just wanted to make sure you knew about it. Give me a call back when you get this". About 10 to 15 minutes later young Napier called back and tells me that for about two minutes he just sat there after he got my message, ready to shed tears with his knees shaking...then he realized what day it was! APRIL FOOLS DAY SUCKA!!!!!! Jenna is still alive, I should know as I am waxing her juggs right at this very moment, as well as typing, I got skillz!!! Happy April Fools Day!!!

Another suspension and fine!!!

2009-05-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

President Jonathan Meowington has suspended and fined Andy "Nap Daddy" Napier for slanderous remarks about Kat Dennings. In an intellectual remark on this blog Nap Daddy stated, "Kat Dennings is hot, but she looks like she's about to make me her undead minion 100% of the time. I may not be one to talk, but get some sun, sweetheart." Kat's genetics make it impossible for her to get a tan, she just turns red like a lobster and burns.

President Meowington held a one on one meeting with me this afternoon and allowed me to bring my camera to record his comments. Sadly there were problems with his microphone so his thoughts were not recorded to tape. But he told me that these remarks made his blood boil, and that if he thought his penalties for his remarks about U-God were harsh, he ain't seen nothin' yet! President Meowington has suspended Nap Daddy for 7 years from anything Kat Dennings related. No downloading pictures, no movies, no personal appearances, chance encounters, etc... President Meowington has also fined Nap Daddy for the sum of 140 trillion dollars. 70 trillion will be paid to Kat Dennings and the other 70 trillion will be given to the Pasty White People of America Foundation (PWPAF) for researching tanning treatments.

I requested a phone interview with Kat, but she insisted on an in person interview. I flew out to Los Angeles where she currently resides, for an in depth interview and here is what she had to say in response to the horrific comments. "It really hurts." She then commenced to showing me her SUPER rack, and then asked me to be her boyfriend. Of course I agreed and am currently in the process of packing up my belongings and moving to L.A.

President Meowington, being the forgiving man that he is, has agreed per request of Ms. Dennings to lessen the punishment of Mr. Nap Daddy if he makes an honest apology. But if the apology is not sincere (and he will know!) then the fine is quadrupled and also a Sheiky humbling will be added, and maybe a Necro Butcher punch. President Meowington has also fined Andrew "Funky D" Patton 48 million dollars for having a head that is never in less than two zip codes.

Happy Cinco De Cuatro!

2009-05-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

Happy Cinco De Cuatro! Yes, 5th of 4th for you Spanish majors. The holiday invented by the Drza and myself because Cinco de Mayo fell on a Sunday night and we didn't want to be hung over for Monday morning classes (what good scholars we were!). Why isn't it called cuatro de mayo? Because the Drza said Cinco de Cuatro and it is way funnier than Cuatro de Mayo! So drink a Margarita or some Tequila or whatever in celebration of Cinco De Cuatro!

Golden Girls Marathon

2009-04-28T15:26:00.001-07:00

There will be a Golden Girls Marathon this Satruday beginning at 7:00 pm. Come one come all to remember the late Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.

Thank You For Being A Friend

2009-04-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

I didn't believe it when I first heard it. Around 9:15pm Saturday night I recieved a call from Andy and he told me that Bea Arthur had passed away at the age of 86. I first thought about the date, but it was too late for April Fool's Day, although I wouldn't put it past the Nap Daddy to pull such a prank after last year's Jenna Fischer Gem. But when I got home around 1:00 am and saw a post on my facebook page from Jenny Beck ab0ut her passing and I knew it was true. The quick witted, sassy Golden Girl passed away from cancer. As Dorothy Zbornak she had impecable timing and had facial expressions the even Vince McMahon would be proud of. Herself and Estelle Getty, who also recently passed away, were far and away my favorite of the G.G's. The Mother Daughter pair had phenomenal chemistry together and will go down as one of the great comedic tandoms. I will tenatively schedule a Golden Girl's marathon for next weekend and you are all invited! To Bea Arthur, Thank you for being a friend! R.I.P.

Sizzarp B-day HOORAY!!

2009-04-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON! It should be easy to cut the cake with such a big knife. SIZZARP!!!!!!!!!

Your Mucking Fother Trebek!

2009-04-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

I want my Seal point Trebek! Kiss From Rose is close enough!

The Office Quiz

2009-04-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

Funky D and Sorry, Keith Jackson both took the "If I were a character on The Office who would I be" quiz. Keith is some dork with glasses and Funky D is a woman. Here's how mine turned out.

If I were an office character I'd be Chuck Norris. I would then roundhouse kick the idea of the office back into the mind of whoever came up with it, then roundhouse kick that person to death so that the office will have never existed. CHUCKMATE!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T15:01:00.001-07:00

Despite popular belief Easter was invented in 1893 by Phillip Easter, not by Jesus. Phillip was a farmer specializing in raising chickens. His chickens laid the finest eggs in all of the Midwest. People came from miles around to get the eggs laid by his prize chickens. One day Phillip decided that it was to easy to just sell his eggs to customers so he thought it would be more exciting to hide eggs around his farm and let customers wander around and find them while getting to experience the rest of his farm. The person who found the most eggs recieved a 25 percent discount on that days purchase. The first person to recieve the discount was an 8 year old boy by the name of Jesus (Hay-soos). He found 120 eggs that day. So excited that he won the discount Jesus returned home decided to color one of the eggs and give it to Phillip as a gift. On the way back to Phillip's farm Jesus was trampled to death, then eaten by a pack of wild blood thirsty rabbits. Three days later Phillip found upon his doorstep a colored egg and in the distance saw a ghostly figure of a little boy. Then a bunny rabbit bounced across his lawn. Phillip decided that once a year he would color eggs for his hunt in rememberance of Jesus, and call it "Jesus' Easter Egg Hunt". He claimed that a rabbit would bring in these special colored eggs and hide them for all the boys and girls to find. Phillip Easter died in 1907, but his day of hiding eggs remains to this day. Somehow the story got twisted into a story about the late J.C. (R.I.P), but in truth it was Phillip Easter chicken farmer.

Hot Dog We Have A Weiner!

2009-04-07T04:03:00.000-07:00

Amanda wins the NCAA Pool! In the closest contest to date it came down to Amanda and Michelle for the the $35.00 pot! Both being tied and having no other points to get except for North Carolina it came down to a tie breaker. Amanda selected a total score of 148 and Michelle 132. The final total of the game was 161. Congrats to Amanda!!!!! There will be a $30.00 being from another country fee, and a $5.00 using math equations to select winners fee. Good work and good luck next year!!!!

April Fools

2009-04-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

Chuck Norris's Calender skips directly from March 31st to Arpil 2nd. NO ONE FOOLS CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!

He also roundhouse kicked Jenna Fischer so hard that he killed David Spade. Jenna still lives so that Chuck Norris can wax her juggs.

MARCH MADNESS!!!!

2009-03-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Despite the great quarter debacle the tournament pool has actually gotten quite exciting. We are down to three contestants. My Mom, My Sister-in-Law Michelle, and Amanda! All ladies competing for the prize! If UNC loses the next game my Mom will win. An even more exciting situation is if UNC wins. If the Tarheels win then I will need to get final game tie breaker scores from Michelle and Amanda because they both have UNC winning it all and are tied with no other points to get. Quite a thing this March Madness! Good luck to the three finalists!

Quarterly Losses

2009-03-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

I thought we were friends. We've been through so much together. I've carried you with me most of my life. I gave you homes in vending machines, laundry machines and numerous other places. But now you turn your back on me in my time of need. I trusted you and what do I get in return. NOTHING. I flipped you over and you told me that Memphis and Pittsburgh would duel for the National Championship and they are bothOUT! They didn't even make the final 4. You also told me that Kansas would make the Final 4, guess what...THEY DIDN'T!!!! North Carolina hasn't played yet for their spot in the Final 4, but since you told me they would be there I can only speculate that THEY WON'T. You are a mean spirited demon and I can no longer call you Friend. I was certain you would tell me the truth, because I thought that George Washington could never tell a lie, but clearly that theory is shot to hell, because he lied to me several times!!!! It says on you "IN GOD WE TRUST" thankfully it doesn't say "IN QUARTER WE TRUST" because that would be laughable! I can never trust you again! I hate you quarter, I HATE YOU!!!! You cost me $5.00 and in these financially tight times I cannot afford this! Goodbye forever.

2009-03-25T03:50:00.000-07:00

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah Spooky, Scary. Boys Becoming Men, Men Becoming Wolves. AAAOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HI FELLAS, I'M READY TO BLOG!!!!!!

2009-03-20T06:44:00.001-07:00

Many moons have come and gone since my last official blog, but I have returned!!! Nearly a year later and Jenna still lives! I'm very excited to be back on the blogging scene, and I look forward to providing you all with top notch information and quality hillarity! Thanks for all of your patience, and remember, you're going to read my blog or I'm going to kick your butt!

JENNA LIVES!!!

2008-04-01T23:02:00.001-07:00

KING OF KONG!!!!

2008-03-25T23:18:00.000-07:00

King of Kong is the greatest underdog story ever told, PERIOD! King of Kong is a documentary

about the great video games and gamers of the '80s, but centers mostly around two men and one game.

Billy Mitchell (who I repeatedly called Billy Hatcher, a former Cincinnati Reds player. Sorry Mr. Hatcher), who holds the all time Donkey Kong high score, and Steve Weibe (pronounced WEE-BEE) a High school teacher who picks up Donkey Kong on a whim just to try to beat Billy's high score.

First we meet Billy a cocky, arrogant, thinks he's the shit, Jesus look a like who wears shitty ties, and runs a hot sauce company. You heard me right a hot sauce company. He also lives in Hollywood....Hollywood, Florida?!?! WTF!!! But his claim to fame is owning the high score to many of the '80s arcade games, most notably Donkey Kong. His score is well into the 800 thousands. He's the kind of guy that you figure got the shit kicked out of him for a living in high school, but now he's rubbing his "success" in everyone's face and being a dick about it. Whatever. You want to punch the guy, but you're impressed by his ability.

Several interviewees kiss his ass like William Regal at a Vince McMahon mooning party. They proclaim him as the greatest gamer of the arcade era, so on and so forth. LIFE magazine did a spread on the great gamers of that time and he was one of the guys on the cover. Big whoop.

Then we meet Steve Weibe a normal everyman that live's in Washington. He has lived his life always ending up in second place. He had an unsuccessful baseball career and was part of an unsuccessful band. Steve just wanted to be the best at one thing for once in his life. So he saw the high score for Donkey Kong and said "I can beat that". So he gets a Donkey Kong arcade machine and posts it up in his garage and gets to playing!

Steve learns the game by drawing arrows on his machine of where all the barrels, fireballs, springs and other doo dads go on it. After this and tons of practice he becomes great and sets the world record! Scoring over 1Million points! All while his son was telling him to stop playing Donkey Kong and wipe his butt! Steve recored his game on video and sent it in to Twin Galaxies, the company that keeps track of the gaming records. Impressed with his gaming but not believing it Twin Galaxies sent out some gaming goons to take pictures of his Donkey Kong mahine to make sure it is all legal. I kid you not, gaming goons! Why anyone would go through all that to win at a game I couldn't tell you. Anyway the gaming goons find out that he got his board from a guy named MR.AWESOME! Turns out Mr. Awesome is the nemesis to Billy Mitchell. Upon finding out these details Twin Galaxies disqualifies Steve's record.

A little irritated by this Steve calls Billy and invites him to a friendly challenge at an arcade called the FUN SPOT, this way it will be on a 100% neutral and legal machine. Billy shows up at the FUN SPOT but there is no sign of Billy Mitchell. There is however a dopey looking fella by the name of Brian Puh. Brian greets Steve as he sets in to play, and shortly into his game he makes a phone call. To who, you may ask...I'll tell you. BILLY FUCKING MITCHELL. Yes, Billy Mitchell has a henchman. Brian continually updates Billy on Steve's progress. All the way up until Steve breaks his record, AGAIN! But Billy unveils his unexpected ace of spades! No, not the shitty Motorhead song, although any Motorhead song could make a tone deaf persons ears vomit, and a Donkey Kong player beg for a barrel across the chin. No he sent in......Well if you want to know the rest you're just going to have to watch it for yourself. I'm not gonna play spoiler for you lazy shit ghosts! GIANT BABA SUCKS!!!!

Lock your windows, close your doors, MARCH MADNESS!!!

2008-03-19T07:11:00.000-07:00

Fill out your brackets and give me $5.00, it's tournament time BITCHES!!! The annual NCAA basketball tournament begins tomorrow and it's bound to be doozy! But it's not the biggest tournament anymore. There's a new bracket that will decide who the true champion in college hoops is. Despite being unjustly ousted from the NCAA tourney because of being way awesome, the Cincinnati Bearcats will be post season bound! NIT? you ask. Hell no! The Bearcats will be playing in the inaugural COLLEGE BASKETBALL INVITATIONAL! For the teams that couldn't afford to go on Spring Break and had nothing better to do. The mighty Bearcats begin their magical run to the CBI championship this evening at 7:00 pm against the a feisty Bradley team. I asked several Bradley players for their thoughts on playing the Big East powerhouse. Junior Guard, Tyrone Cole-Scott told me, " I'm ascared for my life", Senior Forward Matt Salley said, "I injected myself with the GRIDS so that I wouldn't have to play in the game". I spoke with Cincinnati's sophomore stand out Deonta Vaughn and asked him what the game plan is going to be for beating Bradley. "Bradley sounds like some preppy guy with khaki's and a sweater on. My plan is to give out Stone Cold Stunners to four of the starting five players then when I have four fouls I'll score 102 points give a stunner to the last starter, foul out and we will win the game 102 - 0. That's a plan, son". Fill out your brackets.

Farewell #4 (Brett Favre not Kenyon Martin)

2008-03-05T12:32:00.000-08:00

I should be happy that Brett Favre is gone. For years he has mauled my poor Chicago Bears, like LeBron James does babies with candy. But I'm not. Brett Favre is one of those players who comes around once in a lifetime. For 17 years we've gotten to watch one of the greatest of all time. His passion for the game is second to none, and he played the game like he was a kid. His creativity on the field was something I'd think could only be done on a video game. Under hand flips to players, pump faking opposing team members 20 yards after he has passed the line of scrimmage, phantom hook shots when he doesn't even have the ball. Remarkable! He also threw the ball harder and straighter than anyone I can think of. I feel bad for the wide recievers who had to catch a Favre pass in those sub-freezing Lambeau temperatures. I'm sure many a finger has been amputated for that reason alone.
It was kind of a shock when I heard that he had retired. It had actually never even crossed my mind. I was %100 sure he was coming back this season to get this team into the Super Bowl, because they came so close last season. Plus the fact that his very last pass was an interception. But none of that matters, he is ready to leave. Maybe he feals that he has done all he can do with this team and it is time to pass the torch. Aaron Rogers....good luck.
Brett the NFL will not be the same without you!

When the East is in the house oh my God, DANGER!!!

2008-02-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

What is 27, 9,8,2 and 2? You would be correct if you answered that it is the IQ's of the Ohio St. basketball teams starting line up. But you would also be correct if you said it was the number of points, assissts, rebounds, steals and blocks that LeBron James had in the NBA All Star game. That my friend is what you call a stat line. L-Bron guided the Eastern Conferance All Stars past the West 132-128, and garnered his second MVP award.
I spoke with LeBron after the game and asked him if winning this game was easy, and his response was, "It was like taking candy from a baby after I punched it's face in." Mr. James then immediately punched a babies face in and took candy from it just to prove his point, afterwards Gene Snitsky punted the baby into the crowd.
I then asked LeBron if this proves that the Eastern Conferance is actually superior to the Western Conferance, and the critics have been wrong and he replied, "Da East, we got sum playaz wit mad game, but itz da fact dat we gotz 2 many white kidz in da East, and nun of dem make da all starz team, just da str8 ballaz, when we get back to playin' reglar ball, we gotta play wit da white kidz again. Da west got white kidz 2, but they 4n kidz, like Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki, dey not real white kidz, like we gotz, but yeah, we better."
After I regrouped asked LeBron one last question. What did you think about Dwight Howards dunk contest performance. "HE SUPERMANNED THAT BALL, YEWWWWWWWWWWWW"
Amazing.
Commissioner Jonathan Meowington fined LeBron James for slanderous remarks towards Superman, then unfined him for accurate remarks towards white kids.

R.I.P Zach

2008-02-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

Zack Morris is dead. Zack dared to do what most would never even think of attempting. Zach Morris in a gesture of friendship offered one of his pattented friends forever, friendship bracelets to WCW superstar Meng. But young Morris forgot that "MENG IS FRIEND TO NO MAN!"
Upon hearing about the tragedy I quickly got on a plane and flew to California to meet with some of Zack's dearest friends and get their take on the situation.
I sat with A.C. Slater, friend and also rival of Zack. "Preppy always did do stupid things, but I never thought he'd do something this dumb. But hey, I can have Kelly all to myself now!" Slater proclaimed. Then he broke into a dance number, played the drums and flexed his muscles, all while talking about beating Valley.
I then met briefly with Jessie Spano, class president and good friend of Zack. "He was so young. He had such a bright future, even though he was a womanizing pig." I then showed Jessie my penis and she said, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so....scared!"
Lisa Tutrle as expected was fashionably late and only had time to say this to me, "At least he was dressed nice when his larynx was crushed."
Best friend Screech Powers was the most emotional of the gang. "Zack was my best friend, I'd do anything for him. I haven't been this sad since my ant farm caught on fire when my robot Kevin expolded. BOO HOO HOO"
And finally I met with Kelly Kapowski, on again off again love interest of Zack. "Zack was the greatest guy I ever knew. I wish he would have nailed me before he died. It's ok, though Slater is way hotter anyway, and probably has a bigger dong. I'm going to the beach!"
Zack was buried today underneath his favorite hang out THE MAX. The #1 combo was re-named the Zack Attack combo. R.I.P. Zack Morris.
If there is a lesson to be learned here it is not to fuck with Meng...he is truly friend to no man.

Packers Win!

2008-01-22T22:26:00.001-08:00

Hold your horses! After what was one of the bigger upsets in NFL playoff history the New York football Giants have been stripped of their NFC Championship. Inside sources have revealed that members of the Giants organization snuck into the restaurant where the Green Bay Packers were eating and put tablets into the soup. It is believed that the tablets were infected with the GRIDS. Not full blown GRIDS but 24 hour GRIDS. These tablets caused the Packers to play like big dumb homo's. I asked Eli Manning if someone had mistakenly given him one of the tablets, and he told me "I don't need no artificial queer pills, I'm gay all by damn myself! ask anyone!" Despite the fact that the Giants gave their opposition performance unenhancing drugs it took regulation plus some to defeat the mighty Packers at Lambeau field. In sub freezing temperatures the Giants and Packers dueled to a 20-20 tie after Laurence Tynes shanked two field goals like a prison inmate. Being infected with the gay juice the Packers complained about the cold and talked about how cute Tony Romo was and what a bitch Jessica Simpson is, and how they wanted to scratch her eyes out.
In overtime the Packers Brett Favre threw an interception on the second play, setting up what would be another game winning field goal attempt for Laurence Tynes. "Loan sharks already took my kids, but I had to save my wife" said Tynes, about his overtime attempt. Tynes stepped up and nailed a 47 yard field goal to win the game. But that dream is over.
After the release of the GRIDS information NFL Commissioner Jonathan Meowington has ejected the Giants from the Super Bowl, re-named the team "The Poop Chute Giants", taken away all draft picks until the 2054 draft and infeceted everyone in the organization with lifelong GRIDS.
Now that the Packers have been rightfully placed in the Super Bowl to take on the New England Patriots history says they will be crowned the next champions. On January 26th, 1997 , Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers faced and defeated, you guessed it, the New England Patriots. You may say, well the Patriots didn't have Tom Brady that year. True. The Patriots are undefeated and have a nearly unstoppable offense this year. True. Brett Favre despite his phenomenal year, has aged and isn't the same Brett Favre that he was in '97. Also true. But the one thing that Green Bay has this season as they did in the '97 Super Bowl is a Heisman Trophy winner from Michigan!
In 1997 Desmond Howard became the first special teams player to win the Super Bowl MVP. Howard's 99-yard kickoff return late in the third quarter of Green Bay's 35-21 victory over the Patriots was the biggest play in a game filled with big plays. He finished with a Super Bowl-record 244 yards on kickoff and punt returns. Howard was also the Heisman Trophy winner for the '91-'92 NCAA football season. This year the Packers face another Wolverine Heisman winner in Cornerback Charles Woodson. Woodson won the trophy in the '97-'98 season in which the Wolverines also took home the National Championship. The stars are aligned just right for the Packers to end what could be the greatest single season performance for a team, as the New England Patriots remain undefeated at 18-0, but it would be all for nothing now if they don't take home a Super Bowl crown. I asked Tom Brady (also a Michigan alum) about facing Woodson and he said, "I'm going to throw the ball to the best player on the field, and it just happens to be Charles Woodson." When asked about the arch rival Buckeyes Mike Vrabel and AJ Hawk that would also be playing in the game Brady only replied by vomitting on the floor, and saying "It's just not right".

HUMBLE PIE!

2008-01-08T06:47:00.000-08:00

Davekwon Presents "HUMBLE PIE" the story of a loveable Shiek and a wacky football team that go around humbling stuff. Roger Ebert gives it 4 thumbs down and claims "I wasn't impotent before I went in the movie theater!" The guy that's not Ebert says, "It was like American Pie, The Replacements and Porky's balled into one, and then the Iron Shiek fucked the ball in the ass!" Bill Belicheck, head coach of the New England Patriots gives it this sterling review, "I had someone tape it for me and was selling bootleg copies...then I got caught." Star of the film the Iron Shiek could only say, "Brian Blair, you nutting but a punk little gay, little fag! I never respect a gay, never respect a fag! I break uh your back, put you in the camel clutch, and then fuck your ass! But 1983 in the Pontiac Silver Dome in front of 93,000 people was greatest day all time all my life." From scene one to scene 167 it's a laugh out loud riot of humbling and pie. Especially memorable is the scene with the baby and the flamingo! ZIBBIDY BOP!!! So grab a date and go out to see "HUMBLE PIE" while there's still some on the shelf!!!!

Les is more in New Orleans!

2008-01-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

The only thing left from the chip on OSU's shoulder is the salt. After going up quickly 10-0, thanks to Beanie Wells, the Buckeyes squandered their lead and were embarressed in the bayou 38 - 24. I was with Les Miles on the sideline as he took the ceremonial Gatorade shower and I asked him why he chose red Gatorade and he replied, " It's not Gatorade it's Buckeye Blood!", and he was right. I then asked him if he regreted not taking the Michigan job and he said, "It would be too damn easy to win up there with those fine Wolverine teams , if I wanted to beat up on pussies all year I'd be a porn star."
James Lauranitis of Ohio St., and son of former WWE Superstar "The Animal" of Road Warriors fame, was seen crying and just kept saying "Daddy told me not to be a Buckeye." Animal and the ghost of his tag team partner Hawk gave James the Dooms Day Device and called him a Bitch and a Gay. "Beanie" Wells also said, "It's like the SEC is the Iron Shiek and we are B. Brian Blair and they are putting us in the camel clutch, breaking our backs and then fucking our ass...but we like it because we're gay".
This loss will certainly set back the Buckeyes, but it is also a blow to the Big 10 Conferance as a whole. This loss being the second straight BCS championship loss by OSU in blowout fashion as well as Rose Bowl losses by Michigan last year and Illinois this year both at the hands of USC, does not make the Big 10 look to attractive to future recruits. Michigan was the saving grace this bowl season for the Big 10 defeating Florida in the Capital One bowl on New Years day.
Glenn DORSEY, of LSU put it best when he said, "I make phat mix tapes for that ass! WOOP, WOOP!"

To the Heisman go the foils!

2008-01-02T21:46:00.001-08:00

The Michigan Wolverines upset Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow and his Buckeye destroying Gators to send retiring Head Coach Lloyd Carr out on a high note. The mighty Wolverines tried their hardest to give the game away but the Gators just wouldn't let them. Twice, Senior Running Back Mike Hart laughingly lost fumbles inside the Florida One yard line which would have put the game surely out of reach for Florida. But Hart later stated, "We wanted Florida and their anal sex loving Florida fans to think they had a chance." Senior Michigan Quarterback Chad Henne had a career day, passing for nearly 400 yards along with a few TD's. Henne spoke to me after the game and said, "My passes were on point, even the ones I threw to the other team." The Wolverines won the Capital One Bowl 41 - 35 sending Head Coach Lloyd Carr out with a final Bowl victory. Coach Carr said after the game that "we made Urban Meyer, look like a Rural Faggot!" Now that Carr is out Michigan needed a get RICH quick scheme, as in get Rich Rodriguez to coach the Wolverines next year. The former West Virginia coach will be bringing his spread offense to Michigan next year hopefully to get the mighty Wolverines back to a national championship. I talked briefly with Rodriguez about his plans for beating Ohio St. with the spread offense and he told me that, "The only thing that will be spread are Jim Tressels' ass cheeks as he is being humbled by my superior Wolverines". A fine response from a fine man.

I'm sorry Bill Goldberg, OOOOOH, I am for real!

2007-12-12T21:29:00.000-08:00

About 5 minutes after I blogged last night, I realized two things. 1. I had mistakenly left Santa's Slay off of my list of movies. Knowing that Bill Goldberg and Jonathan are great friends, I feel that bad things await. I am apologizing in hopes that President Meowington and Mr. Goldberg are not too harsh on me. I'm fearing a Hannukah Jackhammer is in my future, though. 2. The 18th of December is our dear friend Funky D's birthday! What to do, what to do. The most likely of scenarios is that I am speared, and jackhammered, and a movie marathon won't matter because I'll be dead. We could also postpone it until a later date. We'll see what the GREAT AND POWERFULL JONATHAN and FUNKY D come up with, ya heard!

Christmas Movie Marathon?

2007-12-11T22:39:00.000-08:00

First of all I would like to express how disappointed I am that I had to miss Broin' Down "Bro Ho Ho". Work sucks. Secondly, I was chatting with Mr. Ken Harris last night at work and we were discussing a Christmas movie marathon. Nappy and I have talked about having one in the past but never really came through on it. It's kind of short notice, but I was thinking of holding one next Tuesday, December 18th. It wouldn't be a marathon of Halloween proportions, but maybe a Holiday Half Marathon, to get back into shape. I was thinking maybe four or five movies. We put together a short list of movie ideas, but I would like your suggestions as well. So far the list goes as follows...Home Alone, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Jack Frost (wacky killer mutated into snow man, not Michael Keaton dies and turns to a snow man. Although a bad Michael Keaton movie may be what we need to get Balderdash started!), Scrooged, and Silent Night Deadly Night. Those are just some ideas. Let me know any movies you would want to see or any I've listed that you would vote for. I'd be shooting for a 6:00pm starting time. Hopefully this is something everyone would be interested in, if not...LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING!!!! Funky D is still invited even though he hates Christmas and Jesus, he is still my friend. Nappy can come too, as long as he is not still giving Jonathan the business.

Things Fall Apart, for Funky D!

2007-12-04T23:08:00.000-08:00

As of Friday night things were looking up for Funky D and Nappy after President Jonathan Meowington met with both Hall and Oates, and U-God of the Wu Tang Clan, over vicious remarks from earlier in the week. Initially Jonathan fined Funky D $450,000,000.00 and Nappy $8.00 for their slanderous remarks towards the musical icons. After hours of deliberation Hall and Oates feeling the Christmas spirit waived the fines that were placed upon Funky D, and U-God graciously cut Nappy's fine in half but was quoted as saying "A brotha still gottsa eat." The Wu Tang/Hall and Oates Christmas album was then back on the orignal schedule of being released Tuesday, December 4th, without a Nappy/Funky D dis track.

Thinking all was well Hall and Oates made their schelduled stop in Columbus on Monday night, not knowing that a sinister grinch awaited them. Not more than three seconds after the sweet tones of the first noel came from the vocal chords of Darryl Hall, did the one and only Funky D begin a second onslaught of verbal mayhem. Funky D managed to obtain tickets to the concert by way of a Mexican Elf/Leprechaun named Elfprechaun Sanchez. He directed a tapestry of hate filled obceneties towards Hall and Oates that would make a deaf man poke his own eyes out. A Japanese tourist that was in attendance claimed that "Rarge head man speak dirty Engarish at Harr and Oates." Funky D was swiftly escorted out of the building by muliple event staffers. He then escaped on foot and was last spotted in Heath, Ohio at a Luchagors concert.

President Jonathan Meowington has now called upon the Transformers and Prime Time Elix Skipper to find and return Funky D, where upon he will be sentenced to watching Jack Frost 2, while listening to the Hall and Oates Christmas album on repeat for 940 grips. Nappy paid U-God the $4.00 fine, but was fined another $640,000,000.00 for giving Jonathan the business.

Cheers, Simone!

2007-11-29T21:47:00.001-08:00

Some sad news on the ABC 6/ FOX 28 news front (especially for our dear friend Renkes). Today was Simone Wilkinsons' last night with the crew. The Aussie reporter (who in Jason speak is a 2) leaves because our tyrant of a news director doesn't like her. She is not by the way the first person to leave for this reason. Simone will be missed dearly by all. She did however enjoy the picture that I colored for her during my weekend downtime at work. It was a snowy yard with a house in the background and a kangaroo building a snowman, BOO YA! It's shitty that good people, and good workers are leaving the station because of the lady in charge. Fortunately she has no idea who I am, which doesn't say much for her getting to know her employees, but I'm fine with that. So good luck with whatever you go on to do Simone, Cheers!!!!

Funky D and Nappy fined by Jonathan!

2007-11-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

Funky D and Nappy have been fined by President Jonathan Meowington for slanderous remarks towards both Hall and Oates, and U-God. Funky D has been fined $450,000,000.00 for the following comments ..."Hall and Oates had better not only be singing Christmas songs, or there will be knuckles to the chin". Funky D should be excited that Hall and Oates are even gracing this sad town with their musical genius. I spoke with Hall and Oates briefly and their only response was "Private Eyes will be watching Funky D". Nappy was fined $8.00 for these comments toward U-God..."I think about how useless U-God is and how he should be kicked out of the Wu-Tang Clan". Wu-Tang Clan forms like Voltron and U-God happens to be the tail. How else would the flies to be kept away from Ghostface, Raekwon, Method Man, GZA, RZA, Inspectah Deck, Masta Killa and ODB's corpse? The Wu-Tang Clan/Hall and Oates Christmas album entitled "Instpectah Deck the Hall and Oates" has been pushed back from it's original release date of 12-4-07 to 12-11-07 so that a Funky D and Nappy dis track could be added. Sources close to me have revealed that this dis track will also be performed live at Bro Ho Ho. President Jonathan is meeting with both groups on Friday afternoon to discus further punishment.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

Turkey is Delicious! Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm Russ Thorn don't act like you don't know the name!

2007-11-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

Slumber Party Massacre is quite a thing. Russ Thorn don't play, and Ho's get nekked (with the exception of the rackalicious black chick, what a shame :( ). Don't worry this film is written and directed by women so it's not exploiting them and their fine mammaricals. This was the "Hat Trick" viewing of this cinematic gem for Nap Daddy and myself and it still holds up.
Young Abe is back in town fresh off of the cranberry farm. If your gonna buy cranberry sauce this Thanksgiving make sure it's Abe's ol' fashion Cransgiving sauce...WooooooooooWeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Nappy and myself met him and his sis Zoe at Bob's Bar and sat talked and listened to some fine Juke selections. Good times.
Wonder Years season 2 is awaiting me thanks to Nappy, so I'm off to partake in some Kevin Arnold Hijinx and hope to shield my eyes when a 1 named whinney is on the screen!

It's the new beginning son!

2007-11-19T16:31:00.000-08:00

I'm back!