Quarterly Losses

I thought we were friends. We've been through so much together. I've carried you with me most of my life. I gave you homes in vending machines, laundry machines and numerous other places. But now you turn your back on me in my time of need. I trusted you and what do I get in return. NOTHING. I flipped you over and you told me that Memphis and Pittsburgh would duel for the National Championship and they are bothOUT! They didn't even make the final 4. You also told me that Kansas would make the Final 4, guess what...THEY DIDN'T!!!! North Carolina hasn't played yet for their spot in the Final 4, but since you told me they would be there I can only speculate that THEY WON'T. You are a mean spirited demon and I can no longer call you Friend. I was certain you would tell me the truth, because I thought that George Washington could never tell a lie, but clearly that theory is shot to hell, because he lied to me several times!!!! It says on you "IN GOD WE TRUST" thankfully it doesn't say "IN QUARTER WE TRUST" because that would be laughable! I can never trust you again! I hate you quarter, I HATE YOU!!!! You cost me $5.00 and in these financially tight times I cannot afford this! Goodbye forever.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah Spooky, Scary. Boys Becoming Men, Men Becoming Wolves. AAAOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HI FELLAS, I'M READY TO BLOG!!!!!!

Many moons have come and gone since my last official blog, but I have returned!!! Nearly a year later and Jenna still lives! I'm very excited to be back on the blogging scene, and I look forward to providing you all with top notch information and quality hillarity! Thanks for all of your patience, and remember, you're going to read my blog or I'm going to kick your butt!

JENNA LIVES!!!

On April 1st, for about two minutes Jenna Fischer was dead. Early Tuesday morning Jenna was in a fatal car crash. I called Andy early Tuesday afternoon with the sombering news. He didn't answer so I had to leave this disheartening message "Andy I don't know if you heard, but Jenna Fischer died in a car accident this morning. I just wanted to make sure you knew about it. Give me a call back when you get this". About 10 to 15 minutes later young Napier called back and tells me that for about two minutes he just sat there after he got my message, ready to shed tears with his knees shaking...then he realized what day it was! APRIL FOOLS DAY SUCKA!!!!!! Jenna is still alive, I should know as I am waxing her juggs right at this very moment, as well as typing, I got skillz!!! Happy April Fools Day!!!

KING OF KONG!!!!

King of Kong is the greatest underdog story ever told, PERIOD! King of Kong is a documentary

about the great video games and gamers of the '80s, but centers mostly around two men and one game.

Billy Mitchell (who I repeatedly called Billy Hatcher, a former Cincinnati Reds player. Sorry Mr. Hatcher), who holds the all time Donkey Kong high score, and Steve Weibe (pronounced WEE-BEE) a High school teacher who picks up Donkey Kong on a whim just to try to beat Billy's high score.

First we meet Billy a cocky, arrogant, thinks he's the shit, Jesus look a like who wears shitty ties, and runs a hot sauce company. You heard me right a hot sauce company. He also lives in Hollywood....Hollywood, Florida?!?! WTF!!! But his claim to fame is owning the high score to many of the '80s arcade games, most notably Donkey Kong. His score is well into the 800 thousands. He's the kind of guy that you figure got the shit kicked out of him for a living in high school, but now he's rubbing his "success" in everyone's face and being a dick about it. Whatever. You want to punch the guy, but you're impressed by his ability.

Several interviewees kiss his ass like William Regal at a Vince McMahon mooning party. They proclaim him as the greatest gamer of the arcade era, so on and so forth. LIFE magazine did a spread on the great gamers of that time and he was one of the guys on the cover. Big whoop.

Then we meet Steve Weibe a normal everyman that live's in Washington. He has lived his life always ending up in second place. He had an unsuccessful baseball career and was part of an unsuccessful band. Steve just wanted to be the best at one thing for once in his life. So he saw the high score for Donkey Kong and said "I can beat that". So he gets a Donkey Kong arcade machine and posts it up in his garage and gets to playing!

Steve learns the game by drawing arrows on his machine of where all the barrels, fireballs, springs and other doo dads go on it. After this and tons of practice he becomes great and sets the world record! Scoring over 1Million points! All while his son was telling him to stop playing Donkey Kong and wipe his butt! Steve recored his game on video and sent it in to Twin Galaxies, the company that keeps track of the gaming records. Impressed with his gaming but not believing it Twin Galaxies sent out some gaming goons to take pictures of his Donkey Kong mahine to make sure it is all legal. I kid you not, gaming goons! Why anyone would go through all that to win at a game I couldn't tell you. Anyway the gaming goons find out that he got his board from a guy named MR.AWESOME! Turns out Mr. Awesome is the nemesis to Billy Mitchell. Upon finding out these details Twin Galaxies disqualifies Steve's record.

A little irritated by this Steve calls Billy and invites him to a friendly challenge at an arcade called the FUN SPOT, this way it will be on a 100% neutral and legal machine. Billy shows up at the FUN SPOT but there is no sign of Billy Mitchell. There is however a dopey looking fella by the name of Brian Puh. Brian greets Steve as he sets in to play, and shortly into his game he makes a phone call. To who, you may ask...I'll tell you. BILLY FUCKING MITCHELL. Yes, Billy Mitchell has a henchman. Brian continually updates Billy on Steve's progress. All the way up until Steve breaks his record, AGAIN! But Billy unveils his unexpected ace of spades! No, not the shitty Motorhead song, although any Motorhead song could make a tone deaf persons ears vomit, and a Donkey Kong player beg for a barrel across the chin. No he sent in......Well if you want to know the rest you're just going to have to watch it for yourself. I'm not gonna play spoiler for you lazy shit ghosts! GIANT BABA SUCKS!!!!

Lock your windows, close your doors, MARCH MADNESS!!!

Fill out your brackets and give me $5.00, it's tournament time BITCHES!!! The annual NCAA basketball tournament begins tomorrow and it's bound to be doozy! But it's not the biggest tournament anymore. There's a new bracket that will decide who the true champion in college hoops is. Despite being unjustly ousted from the NCAA tourney because of being way awesome, the Cincinnati Bearcats will be post season bound! NIT? you ask. Hell no! The Bearcats will be playing in the inaugural COLLEGE BASKETBALL INVITATIONAL! For the teams that couldn't afford to go on Spring Break and had nothing better to do. The mighty Bearcats begin their magical run to the CBI championship this evening at 7:00 pm against the a feisty Bradley team. I asked several Bradley players for their thoughts on playing the Big East powerhouse. Junior Guard, Tyrone Cole-Scott told me, " I'm ascared for my life", Senior Forward Matt Salley said, "I injected myself with the GRIDS so that I wouldn't have to play in the game". I spoke with Cincinnati's sophomore stand out Deonta Vaughn and asked him what the game plan is going to be for beating Bradley. "Bradley sounds like some preppy guy with khaki's and a sweater on. My plan is to give out Stone Cold Stunners to four of the starting five players then when I have four fouls I'll score 102 points give a stunner to the last starter, foul out and we will win the game 102 - 0. That's a plan, son". Fill out your brackets.

Farewell #4 (Brett Favre not Kenyon Martin)

I should be happy that Brett Favre is gone. For years he has mauled my poor Chicago Bears, like LeBron James does babies with candy. But I'm not. Brett Favre is one of those players who comes around once in a lifetime. For 17 years we've gotten to watch one of the greatest of all time. His passion for the game is second to none, and he played the game like he was a kid. His creativity on the field was something I'd think could only be done on a video game. Under hand flips to players, pump faking opposing team members 20 yards after he has passed the line of scrimmage, phantom hook shots when he doesn't even have the ball. Remarkable! He also threw the ball harder and straighter than anyone I can think of. I feel bad for the wide recievers who had to catch a Favre pass in those sub-freezing Lambeau temperatures. I'm sure many a finger has been amputated for that reason alone.
It was kind of a shock when I heard that he had retired. It had actually never even crossed my mind. I was %100 sure he was coming back this season to get this team into the Super Bowl, because they came so close last season. Plus the fact that his very last pass was an interception. But none of that matters, he is ready to leave. Maybe he feals that he has done all he can do with this team and it is time to pass the torch. Aaron Rogers....good luck.
Brett the NFL will not be the same without you!