JENNA LIVES!!!

On April 1st, for about two minutes Jenna Fischer was dead. Early Tuesday morning Jenna was in a fatal car crash. I called Andy early Tuesday afternoon with the sombering news. He didn't answer so I had to leave this disheartening message "Andy I don't know if you heard, but Jenna Fischer died in a car accident this morning. I just wanted to make sure you knew about it. Give me a call back when you get this". About 10 to 15 minutes later young Napier called back and tells me that for about two minutes he just sat there after he got my message, ready to shed tears with his knees shaking...then he realized what day it was! APRIL FOOLS DAY SUCKA!!!!!! Jenna is still alive, I should know as I am waxing her juggs right at this very moment, as well as typing, I got skillz!!! Happy April Fools Day!!!

KING OF KONG!!!!

King of Kong is the greatest underdog story ever told, PERIOD! King of Kong is a documentary

about the great video games and gamers of the '80s, but centers mostly around two men and one game.

Billy Mitchell (who I repeatedly called Billy Hatcher, a former Cincinnati Reds player. Sorry Mr. Hatcher), who holds the all time Donkey Kong high score, and Steve Weibe (pronounced WEE-BEE) a High school teacher who picks up Donkey Kong on a whim just to try to beat Billy's high score.

First we meet Billy a cocky, arrogant, thinks he's the shit, Jesus look a like who wears shitty ties, and runs a hot sauce company. You heard me right a hot sauce company. He also lives in Hollywood....Hollywood, Florida?!?! WTF!!! But his claim to fame is owning the high score to many of the '80s arcade games, most notably Donkey Kong. His score is well into the 800 thousands. He's the kind of guy that you figure got the shit kicked out of him for a living in high school, but now he's rubbing his "success" in everyone's face and being a dick about it. Whatever. You want to punch the guy, but you're impressed by his ability.

Several interviewees kiss his ass like William Regal at a Vince McMahon mooning party. They proclaim him as the greatest gamer of the arcade era, so on and so forth. LIFE magazine did a spread on the great gamers of that time and he was one of the guys on the cover. Big whoop.

Then we meet Steve Weibe a normal everyman that live's in Washington. He has lived his life always ending up in second place. He had an unsuccessful baseball career and was part of an unsuccessful band. Steve just wanted to be the best at one thing for once in his life. So he saw the high score for Donkey Kong and said "I can beat that". So he gets a Donkey Kong arcade machine and posts it up in his garage and gets to playing!

Steve learns the game by drawing arrows on his machine of where all the barrels, fireballs, springs and other doo dads go on it. After this and tons of practice he becomes great and sets the world record! Scoring over 1Million points! All while his son was telling him to stop playing Donkey Kong and wipe his butt! Steve recored his game on video and sent it in to Twin Galaxies, the company that keeps track of the gaming records. Impressed with his gaming but not believing it Twin Galaxies sent out some gaming goons to take pictures of his Donkey Kong mahine to make sure it is all legal. I kid you not, gaming goons! Why anyone would go through all that to win at a game I couldn't tell you. Anyway the gaming goons find out that he got his board from a guy named MR.AWESOME! Turns out Mr. Awesome is the nemesis to Billy Mitchell. Upon finding out these details Twin Galaxies disqualifies Steve's record.

A little irritated by this Steve calls Billy and invites him to a friendly challenge at an arcade called the FUN SPOT, this way it will be on a 100% neutral and legal machine. Billy shows up at the FUN SPOT but there is no sign of Billy Mitchell. There is however a dopey looking fella by the name of Brian Puh. Brian greets Steve as he sets in to play, and shortly into his game he makes a phone call. To who, you may ask...I'll tell you. BILLY FUCKING MITCHELL. Yes, Billy Mitchell has a henchman. Brian continually updates Billy on Steve's progress. All the way up until Steve breaks his record, AGAIN! But Billy unveils his unexpected ace of spades! No, not the shitty Motorhead song, although any Motorhead song could make a tone deaf persons ears vomit, and a Donkey Kong player beg for a barrel across the chin. No he sent in......Well if you want to know the rest you're just going to have to watch it for yourself. I'm not gonna play spoiler for you lazy shit ghosts! GIANT BABA SUCKS!!!!

Lock your windows, close your doors, MARCH MADNESS!!!

Fill out your brackets and give me $5.00, it's tournament time BITCHES!!! The annual NCAA basketball tournament begins tomorrow and it's bound to be doozy! But it's not the biggest tournament anymore. There's a new bracket that will decide who the true champion in college hoops is. Despite being unjustly ousted from the NCAA tourney because of being way awesome, the Cincinnati Bearcats will be post season bound! NIT? you ask. Hell no! The Bearcats will be playing in the inaugural COLLEGE BASKETBALL INVITATIONAL! For the teams that couldn't afford to go on Spring Break and had nothing better to do. The mighty Bearcats begin their magical run to the CBI championship this evening at 7:00 pm against the a feisty Bradley team. I asked several Bradley players for their thoughts on playing the Big East powerhouse. Junior Guard, Tyrone Cole-Scott told me, " I'm ascared for my life", Senior Forward Matt Salley said, "I injected myself with the GRIDS so that I wouldn't have to play in the game". I spoke with Cincinnati's sophomore stand out Deonta Vaughn and asked him what the game plan is going to be for beating Bradley. "Bradley sounds like some preppy guy with khaki's and a sweater on. My plan is to give out Stone Cold Stunners to four of the starting five players then when I have four fouls I'll score 102 points give a stunner to the last starter, foul out and we will win the game 102 - 0. That's a plan, son". Fill out your brackets.

Farewell #4 (Brett Favre not Kenyon Martin)

I should be happy that Brett Favre is gone. For years he has mauled my poor Chicago Bears, like LeBron James does babies with candy. But I'm not. Brett Favre is one of those players who comes around once in a lifetime. For 17 years we've gotten to watch one of the greatest of all time. His passion for the game is second to none, and he played the game like he was a kid. His creativity on the field was something I'd think could only be done on a video game. Under hand flips to players, pump faking opposing team members 20 yards after he has passed the line of scrimmage, phantom hook shots when he doesn't even have the ball. Remarkable! He also threw the ball harder and straighter than anyone I can think of. I feel bad for the wide recievers who had to catch a Favre pass in those sub-freezing Lambeau temperatures. I'm sure many a finger has been amputated for that reason alone.
It was kind of a shock when I heard that he had retired. It had actually never even crossed my mind. I was %100 sure he was coming back this season to get this team into the Super Bowl, because they came so close last season. Plus the fact that his very last pass was an interception. But none of that matters, he is ready to leave. Maybe he feals that he has done all he can do with this team and it is time to pass the torch. Aaron Rogers....good luck.
Brett the NFL will not be the same without you!

When the East is in the house oh my God, DANGER!!!

What is 27, 9,8,2 and 2? You would be correct if you answered that it is the IQ's of the Ohio St. basketball teams starting line up. But you would also be correct if you said it was the number of points, assissts, rebounds, steals and blocks that LeBron James had in the NBA All Star game. That my friend is what you call a stat line. L-Bron guided the Eastern Conferance All Stars past the West 132-128, and garnered his second MVP award.
I spoke with LeBron after the game and asked him if winning this game was easy, and his response was, "It was like taking candy from a baby after I punched it's face in." Mr. James then immediately punched a babies face in and took candy from it just to prove his point, afterwards Gene Snitsky punted the baby into the crowd.
I then asked LeBron if this proves that the Eastern Conferance is actually superior to the Western Conferance, and the critics have been wrong and he replied, "Da East, we got sum playaz wit mad game, but itz da fact dat we gotz 2 many white kidz in da East, and nun of dem make da all starz team, just da str8 ballaz, when we get back to playin' reglar ball, we gotta play wit da white kidz again. Da west got white kidz 2, but they 4n kidz, like Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki, dey not real white kidz, like we gotz, but yeah, we better."
After I regrouped asked LeBron one last question. What did you think about Dwight Howards dunk contest performance. "HE SUPERMANNED THAT BALL, YEWWWWWWWWWWWW"
Amazing.
Commissioner Jonathan Meowington fined LeBron James for slanderous remarks towards Superman, then unfined him for accurate remarks towards white kids.

R.I.P Zach

Zack Morris is dead. Zack dared to do what most would never even think of attempting. Zach Morris in a gesture of friendship offered one of his pattented friends forever, friendship bracelets to WCW superstar Meng. But young Morris forgot that "MENG IS FRIEND TO NO MAN!"
Upon hearing about the tragedy I quickly got on a plane and flew to California to meet with some of Zack's dearest friends and get their take on the situation.
I sat with A.C. Slater, friend and also rival of Zack. "Preppy always did do stupid things, but I never thought he'd do something this dumb. But hey, I can have Kelly all to myself now!" Slater proclaimed. Then he broke into a dance number, played the drums and flexed his muscles, all while talking about beating Valley.
I then met briefly with Jessie Spano, class president and good friend of Zack. "He was so young. He had such a bright future, even though he was a womanizing pig." I then showed Jessie my penis and she said, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so....scared!"
Lisa Tutrle as expected was fashionably late and only had time to say this to me, "At least he was dressed nice when his larynx was crushed."
Best friend Screech Powers was the most emotional of the gang. "Zack was my best friend, I'd do anything for him. I haven't been this sad since my ant farm caught on fire when my robot Kevin expolded. BOO HOO HOO"
And finally I met with Kelly Kapowski, on again off again love interest of Zack. "Zack was the greatest guy I ever knew. I wish he would have nailed me before he died. It's ok, though Slater is way hotter anyway, and probably has a bigger dong. I'm going to the beach!"
Zack was buried today underneath his favorite hang out THE MAX. The #1 combo was re-named the Zack Attack combo. R.I.P. Zack Morris.
If there is a lesson to be learned here it is not to fuck with Meng...he is truly friend to no man.

Packers Win!

Hold your horses! After what was one of the bigger upsets in NFL playoff history the New York football Giants have been stripped of their NFC Championship. Inside sources have revealed that members of the Giants organization snuck into the restaurant where the Green Bay Packers were eating and put tablets into the soup. It is believed that the tablets were infected with the GRIDS. Not full blown GRIDS but 24 hour GRIDS. These tablets caused the Packers to play like big dumb homo's. I asked Eli Manning if someone had mistakenly given him one of the tablets, and he told me "I don't need no artificial queer pills, I'm gay all by damn myself! ask anyone!" Despite the fact that the Giants gave their opposition performance unenhancing drugs it took regulation plus some to defeat the mighty Packers at Lambeau field. In sub freezing temperatures the Giants and Packers dueled to a 20-20 tie after Laurence Tynes shanked two field goals like a prison inmate. Being infected with the gay juice the Packers complained about the cold and talked about how cute Tony Romo was and what a bitch Jessica Simpson is, and how they wanted to scratch her eyes out.
In overtime the Packers Brett Favre threw an interception on the second play, setting up what would be another game winning field goal attempt for Laurence Tynes. "Loan sharks already took my kids, but I had to save my wife" said Tynes, about his overtime attempt. Tynes stepped up and nailed a 47 yard field goal to win the game. But that dream is over.
After the release of the GRIDS information NFL Commissioner Jonathan Meowington has ejected the Giants from the Super Bowl, re-named the team "The Poop Chute Giants", taken away all draft picks until the 2054 draft and infeceted everyone in the organization with lifelong GRIDS.
Now that the Packers have been rightfully placed in the Super Bowl to take on the New England Patriots history says they will be crowned the next champions. On January 26th, 1997 , Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers faced and defeated, you guessed it, the New England Patriots. You may say, well the Patriots didn't have Tom Brady that year. True. The Patriots are undefeated and have a nearly unstoppable offense this year. True. Brett Favre despite his phenomenal year, has aged and isn't the same Brett Favre that he was in '97. Also true. But the one thing that Green Bay has this season as they did in the '97 Super Bowl is a Heisman Trophy winner from Michigan!
In 1997 Desmond Howard became the first special teams player to win the Super Bowl MVP. Howard's 99-yard kickoff return late in the third quarter of Green Bay's 35-21 victory over the Patriots was the biggest play in a game filled with big plays. He finished with a Super Bowl-record 244 yards on kickoff and punt returns. Howard was also the Heisman Trophy winner for the '91-'92 NCAA football season. This year the Packers face another Wolverine Heisman winner in Cornerback Charles Woodson. Woodson won the trophy in the '97-'98 season in which the Wolverines also took home the National Championship. The stars are aligned just right for the Packers to end what could be the greatest single season performance for a team, as the New England Patriots remain undefeated at 18-0, but it would be all for nothing now if they don't take home a Super Bowl crown. I asked Tom Brady (also a Michigan alum) about facing Woodson and he said, "I'm going to throw the ball to the best player on the field, and it just happens to be Charles Woodson." When asked about the arch rival Buckeyes Mike Vrabel and AJ Hawk that would also be playing in the game Brady only replied by vomitting on the floor, and saying "It's just not right".

HUMBLE PIE!

Davekwon Presents "HUMBLE PIE" the story of a loveable Shiek and a wacky football team that go around humbling stuff. Roger Ebert gives it 4 thumbs down and claims "I wasn't impotent before I went in the movie theater!" The guy that's not Ebert says, "It was like American Pie, The Replacements and Porky's balled into one, and then the Iron Shiek fucked the ball in the ass!" Bill Belicheck, head coach of the New England Patriots gives it this sterling review, "I had someone tape it for me and was selling bootleg copies...then I got caught." Star of the film the Iron Shiek could only say, "Brian Blair, you nutting but a punk little gay, little fag! I never respect a gay, never respect a fag! I break uh your back, put you in the camel clutch, and then fuck your ass! But 1983 in the Pontiac Silver Dome in front of 93,000 people was greatest day all time all my life." From scene one to scene 167 it's a laugh out loud riot of humbling and pie. Especially memorable is the scene with the baby and the flamingo! ZIBBIDY BOP!!! So grab a date and go out to see "HUMBLE PIE" while there's still some on the shelf!!!!

Les is more in New Orleans!

The only thing left from the chip on OSU's shoulder is the salt. After going up quickly 10-0, thanks to Beanie Wells, the Buckeyes squandered their lead and were embarressed in the bayou 38 - 24. I was with Les Miles on the sideline as he took the ceremonial Gatorade shower and I asked him why he chose red Gatorade and he replied, " It's not Gatorade it's Buckeye Blood!", and he was right. I then asked him if he regreted not taking the Michigan job and he said, "It would be too damn easy to win up there with those fine Wolverine teams , if I wanted to beat up on pussies all year I'd be a porn star."
James Lauranitis of Ohio St., and son of former WWE Superstar "The Animal" of Road Warriors fame, was seen crying and just kept saying "Daddy told me not to be a Buckeye." Animal and the ghost of his tag team partner Hawk gave James the Dooms Day Device and called him a Bitch and a Gay. "Beanie" Wells also said, "It's like the SEC is the Iron Shiek and we are B. Brian Blair and they are putting us in the camel clutch, breaking our backs and then fucking our ass...but we like it because we're gay".
This loss will certainly set back the Buckeyes, but it is also a blow to the Big 10 Conferance as a whole. This loss being the second straight BCS championship loss by OSU in blowout fashion as well as Rose Bowl losses by Michigan last year and Illinois this year both at the hands of USC, does not make the Big 10 look to attractive to future recruits. Michigan was the saving grace this bowl season for the Big 10 defeating Florida in the Capital One bowl on New Years day.
Glenn DORSEY, of LSU put it best when he said, "I make phat mix tapes for that ass! WOOP, WOOP!"

To the Heisman go the foils!

The Michigan Wolverines upset Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow and his Buckeye destroying Gators to send retiring Head Coach Lloyd Carr out on a high note. The mighty Wolverines tried their hardest to give the game away but the Gators just wouldn't let them. Twice, Senior Running Back Mike Hart laughingly lost fumbles inside the Florida One yard line which would have put the game surely out of reach for Florida. But Hart later stated, "We wanted Florida and their anal sex loving Florida fans to think they had a chance." Senior Michigan Quarterback Chad Henne had a career day, passing for nearly 400 yards along with a few TD's. Henne spoke to me after the game and said, "My passes were on point, even the ones I threw to the other team." The Wolverines won the Capital One Bowl 41 - 35 sending Head Coach Lloyd Carr out with a final Bowl victory. Coach Carr said after the game that "we made Urban Meyer, look like a Rural Faggot!" Now that Carr is out Michigan needed a get RICH quick scheme, as in get Rich Rodriguez to coach the Wolverines next year. The former West Virginia coach will be bringing his spread offense to Michigan next year hopefully to get the mighty Wolverines back to a national championship. I talked briefly with Rodriguez about his plans for beating Ohio St. with the spread offense and he told me that, "The only thing that will be spread are Jim Tressels' ass cheeks as he is being humbled by my superior Wolverines". A fine response from a fine man.