Friday, June 18, 2010


I'm fine when a team does everything in their power to win, but still falls short. It happens. The Boston Celtics, though, did everything in their power to lose. The winning piece to the puzzle was out there waiting to be called upon, but the phone never rang. With each passing game I thought to myself maybe they're just drawing it out for suspense and springing the secret weapon in game 7. A little risky but worth it. Game 7 came and went along with the chance at another NBA championship for the Boston Celtics. What, or better yet, who, was the secret weapon never revealed. The "Kobe Stopper" Ruben Patterson. A simple call to Ru Patt would have solved all the Kobe woes for the "mean green", but foolish team management cost them. They could have replaced any Celtic player with the "Kobe Stopper". Garnett, see ya. Allen, peace. Paul Pierce, you're outta here. But instead they opt to throw their season out the window. Quite sad when you think about it. Despite being played in Los Angeles "Kobe Stopper" chants echoed throughout the Staples Center. But the chants were all for not, as the mighty Patterson never arrived. Some say his price was too high, but there should be no price on winning an NBA title, especially over your arch rivals. Patterson only required $48 million per quarter, and had he played the 4th quarter of game 7 they would be drinking victory champaigne and not King Cobra. So to Boston, all I can say is YOU FAIL!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

19 days to Halloween Movie Marathon

Halloween Movie Marathon 12 is a mere 19 days away. In an attempt to make this years the best ever I got in touch with the star of Halloweens 1,2,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10, Michael Myers. I met with Mr.Myers at his home in Haddonfield, Illinois. I was a bit nervous as I approached the doorstep of the Myers house, Mr.Myers is a touch unpredictable and I know his past encounters with people haven't always ended favorably, but risking it for the betterment of HMM was a worthwhile cause. I knocked slowly and in classic Myers fashion he smashed through the door with his fist (I was later sent a bill for the broken door). Myers motioned with his hand for me to come in and I did as he wished, slowly squeezing through the hole in the door. He pointed at a chair in his living room and I understood this to mean that I was supposed to sit in it. I was wrong. He immediately stabbed me in the leg (I was later sent a cleaning bill for the blood soaked chair). He was really pointing at a picture of Andrew "Funky D" Patton. I asked why he had a picture of Funky D. He then stabbed the picture. He then wrote in blood with the end of his knife on the wall "He put on my mask and his head stretched it out beyond repair." I apologized and gave him the Funky ones address so that he could be billed for the mask. I then got to the point of my visit and asked the horror legend "Will you be attending HMM 12?" He looked at me and slowly cocked his head to the left. I repeated my question and he cocked his head to the right. Nervously I asked him one more time. Myers then shook his head yes. I breathed a sigh of relief, and then Myers stabbed me in the other leg and shook his head no. Nicely enough Myers supplied me with a wheel chair, but charged me with a rental fee of $91.00 an hour. So my trip ended up costing me $6,041.13 and Myers will not be at HMM12. On the positive side he autographed the knife he used to stab me, and supplied Kat Dennings as my nurse for my hurt legs. Despite being stabbed it was a worthwhile trip. I met Michael Myers, survived his stabbings and was fixed by the sexual healing of one Kat Dennings. All in all life is good and HMM is only 19 days away even if Myers will not be there in person. Funky D should be worried though, Myers is PISSED NOW!

Friday, May 22, 2009


On April 1st, for about two minutes Jenna Fischer was dead. Early Tuesday morning Jenna was in a fatal car crash. I called Andy early Tuesday afternoon with the sombering news. He didn't answer so I had to leave this disheartening message "Andy I don't know if you heard, but Jenna Fischer died in a car accident this morning. I just wanted to make sure you knew about it. Give me a call back when you get this". About 10 to 15 minutes later young Napier called back and tells me that for about two minutes he just sat there after he got my message, ready to shed tears with his knees shaking...then he realized what day it was! APRIL FOOLS DAY SUCKA!!!!!! Jenna is still alive, I should know as I am waxing her juggs right at this very moment, as well as typing, I got skillz!!! Happy April Fools Day!!!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Another suspension and fine!!!

President Jonathan Meowington has suspended and fined Andy "Nap Daddy" Napier for slanderous remarks about Kat Dennings. In an intellectual remark on this blog Nap Daddy stated, "Kat Dennings is hot, but she looks like she's about to make me her undead minion 100% of the time. I may not be one to talk, but get some sun, sweetheart." Kat's genetics make it impossible for her to get a tan, she just turns red like a lobster and burns.

President Meowington held a one on one meeting with me this afternoon and allowed me to bring my camera to record his comments. Sadly there were problems with his microphone so his thoughts were not recorded to tape. But he told me that these remarks made his blood boil, and that if he thought his penalties for his remarks about U-God were harsh, he ain't seen nothin' yet! President Meowington has suspended Nap Daddy for 7 years from anything Kat Dennings related. No downloading pictures, no movies, no personal appearances, chance encounters, etc... President Meowington has also fined Nap Daddy for the sum of 140 trillion dollars. 70 trillion will be paid to Kat Dennings and the other 70 trillion will be given to the Pasty White People of America Foundation (PWPAF) for researching tanning treatments.

I requested a phone interview with Kat, but she insisted on an in person interview. I flew out to Los Angeles where she currently resides, for an in depth interview and here is what she had to say in response to the horrific comments. "It really hurts." She then commenced to showing me her SUPER rack, and then asked me to be her boyfriend. Of course I agreed and am currently in the process of packing up my belongings and moving to L.A.

President Meowington, being the forgiving man that he is, has agreed per request of Ms. Dennings to lessen the punishment of Mr. Nap Daddy if he makes an honest apology. But if the apology is not sincere (and he will know!) then the fine is quadrupled and also a Sheiky humbling will be added, and maybe a Necro Butcher punch. President Meowington has also fined Andrew "Funky D" Patton 48 million dollars for having a head that is never in less than two zip codes.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Happy Cinco De Cuatro!

Happy Cinco De Cuatro! Yes, 5th of 4th for you Spanish majors. The holiday invented by the Drza and myself because Cinco de Mayo fell on a Sunday night and we didn't want to be hung over for Monday morning classes (what good scholars we were!). Why isn't it called cuatro de mayo? Because the Drza said Cinco de Cuatro and it is way funnier than Cuatro de Mayo! So drink a Margarita or some Tequila or whatever in celebration of Cinco De Cuatro!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Golden Girls Marathon

There will be a Golden Girls Marathon this Satruday beginning at 7:00 pm. Come one come all to remember the late Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Thank You For Being A Friend

I didn't believe it when I first heard it. Around 9:15pm Saturday night I recieved a call from Andy and he told me that Bea Arthur had passed away at the age of 86. I first thought about the date, but it was too late for April Fool's Day, although I wouldn't put it past the Nap Daddy to pull such a prank after last year's Jenna Fischer Gem. But when I got home around 1:00 am and saw a post on my facebook page from Jenny Beck ab0ut her passing and I knew it was true. The quick witted, sassy Golden Girl passed away from cancer. As Dorothy Zbornak she had impecable timing and had facial expressions the even Vince McMahon would be proud of. Herself and Estelle Getty, who also recently passed away, were far and away my favorite of the G.G's. The Mother Daughter pair had phenomenal chemistry together and will go down as one of the great comedic tandoms. I will tenatively schedule a Golden Girl's marathon for next weekend and you are all invited! To Bea Arthur, Thank you for being a friend! R.I.P.