19 days to Halloween Movie Marathon

Halloween Movie Marathon 12 is a mere 19 days away. In an attempt to make this years the best ever I got in touch with the star of Halloweens 1,2,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10, Michael Myers. I met with Mr.Myers at his home in Haddonfield, Illinois. I was a bit nervous as I approached the doorstep of the Myers house, Mr.Myers is a touch unpredictable and I know his past encounters with people haven't always ended favorably, but risking it for the betterment of HMM was a worthwhile cause. I knocked slowly and in classic Myers fashion he smashed through the door with his fist (I was later sent a bill for the broken door). Myers motioned with his hand for me to come in and I did as he wished, slowly squeezing through the hole in the door. He pointed at a chair in his living room and I understood this to mean that I was supposed to sit in it. I was wrong. He immediately stabbed me in the leg (I was later sent a cleaning bill for the blood soaked chair). He was really pointing at a picture of Andrew "Funky D" Patton. I asked why he had a picture of Funky D. He then stabbed the picture. He then wrote in blood with the end of his knife on the wall "He put on my mask and his head stretched it out beyond repair." I apologized and gave him the Funky ones address so that he could be billed for the mask. I then got to the point of my visit and asked the horror legend "Will you be attending HMM 12?" He looked at me and slowly cocked his head to the left. I repeated my question and he cocked his head to the right. Nervously I asked him one more time. Myers then shook his head yes. I breathed a sigh of relief, and then Myers stabbed me in the other leg and shook his head no. Nicely enough Myers supplied me with a wheel chair, but charged me with a rental fee of $91.00 an hour. So my trip ended up costing me $6,041.13 and Myers will not be at HMM12. On the positive side he autographed the knife he used to stab me, and supplied Kat Dennings as my nurse for my hurt legs. Despite being stabbed it was a worthwhile trip. I met Michael Myers, survived his stabbings and was fixed by the sexual healing of one Kat Dennings. All in all life is good and HMM is only 19 days away even if Myers will not be there in person. Funky D should be worried though, Myers is PISSED NOW!

JENNA LIVES!!!

On April 1st, for about two minutes Jenna Fischer was dead. Early Tuesday morning Jenna was in a fatal car crash. I called Andy early Tuesday afternoon with the sombering news. He didn't answer so I had to leave this disheartening message "Andy I don't know if you heard, but Jenna Fischer died in a car accident this morning. I just wanted to make sure you knew about it. Give me a call back when you get this". About 10 to 15 minutes later young Napier called back and tells me that for about two minutes he just sat there after he got my message, ready to shed tears with his knees shaking...then he realized what day it was! APRIL FOOLS DAY SUCKA!!!!!! Jenna is still alive, I should know as I am waxing her juggs right at this very moment, as well as typing, I got skillz!!! Happy April Fools Day!!!

Another suspension and fine!!!

President Jonathan Meowington has suspended and fined Andy "Nap Daddy" Napier for slanderous remarks about Kat Dennings. In an intellectual remark on this blog Nap Daddy stated, "Kat Dennings is hot, but she looks like she's about to make me her undead minion 100% of the time. I may not be one to talk, but get some sun, sweetheart." Kat's genetics make it impossible for her to get a tan, she just turns red like a lobster and burns.

President Meowington held a one on one meeting with me this afternoon and allowed me to bring my camera to record his comments. Sadly there were problems with his microphone so his thoughts were not recorded to tape. But he told me that these remarks made his blood boil, and that if he thought his penalties for his remarks about U-God were harsh, he ain't seen nothin' yet! President Meowington has suspended Nap Daddy for 7 years from anything Kat Dennings related. No downloading pictures, no movies, no personal appearances, chance encounters, etc... President Meowington has also fined Nap Daddy for the sum of 140 trillion dollars. 70 trillion will be paid to Kat Dennings and the other 70 trillion will be given to the Pasty White People of America Foundation (PWPAF) for researching tanning treatments.

I requested a phone interview with Kat, but she insisted on an in person interview. I flew out to Los Angeles where she currently resides, for an in depth interview and here is what she had to say in response to the horrific comments. "It really hurts." She then commenced to showing me her SUPER rack, and then asked me to be her boyfriend. Of course I agreed and am currently in the process of packing up my belongings and moving to L.A.

President Meowington, being the forgiving man that he is, has agreed per request of Ms. Dennings to lessen the punishment of Mr. Nap Daddy if he makes an honest apology. But if the apology is not sincere (and he will know!) then the fine is quadrupled and also a Sheiky humbling will be added, and maybe a Necro Butcher punch. President Meowington has also fined Andrew "Funky D" Patton 48 million dollars for having a head that is never in less than two zip codes.

Happy Cinco De Cuatro!

Happy Cinco De Cuatro! Yes, 5th of 4th for you Spanish majors. The holiday invented by the Drza and myself because Cinco de Mayo fell on a Sunday night and we didn't want to be hung over for Monday morning classes (what good scholars we were!). Why isn't it called cuatro de mayo? Because the Drza said Cinco de Cuatro and it is way funnier than Cuatro de Mayo! So drink a Margarita or some Tequila or whatever in celebration of Cinco De Cuatro!

Golden Girls Marathon

There will be a Golden Girls Marathon this Satruday beginning at 7:00 pm. Come one come all to remember the late Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.

Thank You For Being A Friend

I didn't believe it when I first heard it. Around 9:15pm Saturday night I recieved a call from Andy and he told me that Bea Arthur had passed away at the age of 86. I first thought about the date, but it was too late for April Fool's Day, although I wouldn't put it past the Nap Daddy to pull such a prank after last year's Jenna Fischer Gem. But when I got home around 1:00 am and saw a post on my facebook page from Jenny Beck ab0ut her passing and I knew it was true. The quick witted, sassy Golden Girl passed away from cancer. As Dorothy Zbornak she had impecable timing and had facial expressions the even Vince McMahon would be proud of. Herself and Estelle Getty, who also recently passed away, were far and away my favorite of the G.G's. The Mother Daughter pair had phenomenal chemistry together and will go down as one of the great comedic tandoms. I will tenatively schedule a Golden Girl's marathon for next weekend and you are all invited! To Bea Arthur, Thank you for being a friend! R.I.P.

Sizzarp B-day HOORAY!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON! It should be easy to cut the cake with such a big knife. SIZZARP!!!!!!!!!

Your Mucking Fother Trebek!

I want my Seal point Trebek! Kiss From Rose is close enough!

The Office Quiz

Funky D and Sorry, Keith Jackson both took the "If I were a character on The Office who would I be" quiz. Keith is some dork with glasses and Funky D is a woman. Here's how mine turned out.

If I were an office character I'd be Chuck Norris. I would then roundhouse kick the idea of the office back into the mind of whoever came up with it, then roundhouse kick that person to death so that the office will have never existed. CHUCKMATE!

Happy Easter!

Despite popular belief Easter was invented in 1893 by Phillip Easter, not by Jesus. Phillip was a farmer specializing in raising chickens. His chickens laid the finest eggs in all of the Midwest. People came from miles around to get the eggs laid by his prize chickens. One day Phillip decided that it was to easy to just sell his eggs to customers so he thought it would be more exciting to hide eggs around his farm and let customers wander around and find them while getting to experience the rest of his farm. The person who found the most eggs recieved a 25 percent discount on that days purchase. The first person to recieve the discount was an 8 year old boy by the name of Jesus (Hay-soos). He found 120 eggs that day. So excited that he won the discount Jesus returned home decided to color one of the eggs and give it to Phillip as a gift. On the way back to Phillip's farm Jesus was trampled to death, then eaten by a pack of wild blood thirsty rabbits. Three days later Phillip found upon his doorstep a colored egg and in the distance saw a ghostly figure of a little boy. Then a bunny rabbit bounced across his lawn. Phillip decided that once a year he would color eggs for his hunt in rememberance of Jesus, and call it "Jesus' Easter Egg Hunt". He claimed that a rabbit would bring in these special colored eggs and hide them for all the boys and girls to find. Phillip Easter died in 1907, but his day of hiding eggs remains to this day. Somehow the story got twisted into a story about the late J.C. (R.I.P), but in truth it was Phillip Easter chicken farmer.

Hot Dog We Have A Weiner!

Amanda wins the NCAA Pool! In the closest contest to date it came down to Amanda and Michelle for the the $35.00 pot! Both being tied and having no other points to get except for North Carolina it came down to a tie breaker. Amanda selected a total score of 148 and Michelle 132. The final total of the game was 161. Congrats to Amanda!!!!! There will be a $30.00 being from another country fee, and a $5.00 using math equations to select winners fee. Good work and good luck next year!!!!

April Fools

Chuck Norris's Calender skips directly from March 31st to Arpil 2nd. NO ONE FOOLS CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!!

He also roundhouse kicked Jenna Fischer so hard that he killed David Spade. Jenna still lives so that Chuck Norris can wax her juggs.

MARCH MADNESS!!!!

Despite the great quarter debacle the tournament pool has actually gotten quite exciting. We are down to three contestants. My Mom, My Sister-in-Law Michelle, and Amanda! All ladies competing for the prize! If UNC loses the next game my Mom will win. An even more exciting situation is if UNC wins. If the Tarheels win then I will need to get final game tie breaker scores from Michelle and Amanda because they both have UNC winning it all and are tied with no other points to get. Quite a thing this March Madness! Good luck to the three finalists!

Quarterly Losses

I thought we were friends. We've been through so much together. I've carried you with me most of my life. I gave you homes in vending machines, laundry machines and numerous other places. But now you turn your back on me in my time of need. I trusted you and what do I get in return. NOTHING. I flipped you over and you told me that Memphis and Pittsburgh would duel for the National Championship and they are bothOUT! They didn't even make the final 4. You also told me that Kansas would make the Final 4, guess what...THEY DIDN'T!!!! North Carolina hasn't played yet for their spot in the Final 4, but since you told me they would be there I can only speculate that THEY WON'T. You are a mean spirited demon and I can no longer call you Friend. I was certain you would tell me the truth, because I thought that George Washington could never tell a lie, but clearly that theory is shot to hell, because he lied to me several times!!!! It says on you "IN GOD WE TRUST" thankfully it doesn't say "IN QUARTER WE TRUST" because that would be laughable! I can never trust you again! I hate you quarter, I HATE YOU!!!! You cost me $5.00 and in these financially tight times I cannot afford this! Goodbye forever.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah Spooky, Scary. Boys Becoming Men, Men Becoming Wolves. AAAOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

HI FELLAS, I'M READY TO BLOG!!!!!!

Many moons have come and gone since my last official blog, but I have returned!!! Nearly a year later and Jenna still lives! I'm very excited to be back on the blogging scene, and I look forward to providing you all with top notch information and quality hillarity! Thanks for all of your patience, and remember, you're going to read my blog or I'm going to kick your butt!